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ALPERN AT LARGE - Just when you thought you’d seen enough insanity and stupidity from our nation’s capitol, along comes Rep. Buddy Carter (R-GA) who’s introduced a new bill called the “Red, White, and Blueland Act of 2025”, directing Interior Secretary Doug Burgum to oversee the name-changing of Greenland to Red, White, and Blueland”.
No typo there, folks—commas and all, this legislation authorizes President Donald J. Trump to enter into negotiations with Denmark “to purchase or otherwise acquire Greenland” …along with the proposed unwieldy name.
Now whatever ominous meaning the term “otherwise acquire” has is up for interpretation, and I suppose this bill’s name is to be expected from a Georgian named “Buddy”, but it got me to thinking:
What WOULD be a good new name for Greenland to have if or when we added it an enlarging American Empire?
I just don’t cotton to “Red, White, and Blueland”, but take a gander at these out-of-the-box monikers:
- Debtland—My understanding is that a purchase of Greenland would cost $1-3 trillion, so I imagine this would entirely undo any DOGE efforts to reduce the debt, deficits, and budget inefficiencies of our nation currently championed by the White House.
- Muskland—With the world economy awash in so much debt, I imagine that Elon Musk will the only person capable of buying this big chunk of real estate. Plus, it would be a perfect place to drive those hideous new Tesla cybertrucks!
- Whiteland—No racial undertones here…just an obvious reference to the fact that glacial/permafrost ice is white, and not green. Actually, the “Greenland” name was coined by exiled murderer Erik the Red, who sought to attract settlers from his native Iceland with this name. Maybe it’ll attract American settlers, too?
- Frozenland—There are no Disney princesses to be found there named Elsa or Anna (or any other princesses, I suppose), but since the last time this large island was green (quite green, actually) more than 2.5 million years ago, the soil frozen under two miles of ice can’t be accessed, so…ice castles, anyone?
- Neener-Neenerland—‘Cuz…suck it, China!
- Monroeland—Hey, Monroe Doctrine, anyone? Denmark is part of the Eastern Hemisphere, but Greenland is part of the Western Hemisphere. Accordingly, Greenland is OUR land, Eurobabies!
- Trumpland—C’mon, everybody…you know this is what “The Donald” is angling for as his endgame here, right?
- Ain’t-Putinland—Arguably, the greatest reason for Greenland under American hegemony is for defense purposes (the northern seas appear to be opening up to all sorts of Chinese and Russian ships), so with a new Ukraine/Russia ceasefire we don’t want Vladimir looking askance to the northernmost realms!
- Santaland—Because…aren’t you at least a LITTLE curious?
- Dangitscoldland—Although I honestly WOULD pay to have a well-heated hotel (with working Internet and Spa, of course) accessible to see the Northern Lights, I imagine this island would be seriously cold (and only 6-7 hours of sunlight per day in the winter)! But folks want to see Antarctica, too, right?
So welcome to the latest, greatest adventure in America’s new frontiers (Canada, Gaza, the Panama Canal, etc.)…Greenland!
From Presidents Truman to Trump, and even since the mid-1800’s, we wanted this chunk of North Pole real estate. Don’t laugh—look how Alaska turned out!
Just don’t name it “Red, White, and Blueland”, y’hear?
(Kenneth S. Alpern, M.D, is a dermatologist who has served in clinics in Los Angeles, Orange, and Riverside Counties, and is a proud husband and father. He was active for 20 years on the Mar Vista Community Council (MVCC) as a Board Member focused on Planning and Transportation, and helped lead the grassroots efforts of the Expo Line as well as connecting LAX to MetroRail. His latest project is his fictional online book entitled The Unforgotten Tales of Middle-Earth, and can be reached at . The views expressed in this article are solely those of Dr. Alpern.)
