CommentsBELL VIEW-I started out life as a good kid, a nice guy. As my interest in the opposite sex increased, I began to notice that the bad boys got all the girls. So, I switched. I started smoking, drinking, hanging out with the bad kids, and acting like I didn’t care about anything. Deep down, I like to think I was still basically a nice guy – but I have my regrets.
We now find ourselves in the midst of a great reckoning – and a lot of people don’t know how to deal with it. A lot of men, myself included, have got to be asking themselves whether the things they’ve done in the past will hold up to scrutiny today.
For me, the answer has got to be no. I have hurt people, manipulated people, acted selfishly, and been a coward, for lack of a better word. Were things different back then? I don’t think so, not really. Having a bad boy reputation never seemed to hurt when it came to connecting with women. And being young and stupid didn’t help navigate what were, admittedly, blurry lines to begin with.
That said, no matter how young and stupid, no matter how driven to rack up the numbers on my score sheet, bright lines have always existed and they were easy to see and to navigate around.
For example, I have used every skill I have to appear charming, funny, smart, and attractive to the opposite sex. I have spent money I shouldn’t have to appear more accomplished than I am. But I have never used whatever power I have to compel someone to have sex with me against her wishes. I have never threatened someone’s career; never insinuated that a favor to me might make things easier at work. True – I’ve never been a Hollywood mogul, or a movie star, or a politician – but I have had power over women, and I’ve never used it to get laid.
That’s always been easy.
I’ve never had to ask myself whether I raped somebody. I’ve used alcohol to loosen up the situation many times – but, even as a dumb kid, I never had sex with somebody who couldn’t tell me how many fingers I was holding up. And, believe me, the situation has presented itself plenty of times.
I’ve been a bad boyfriend, a cheater, a rotten husband, and a flirt. I’ve hurt a few people along the way, and I’m sorry for it. I would have liked to have been better.
I think it’s good we’re having this discussion now, before my two sons come of age. I’d like to think some of the lines that were blurry when I was a kid will solidify into the kind of bright lines that have always been there. Don’t be a rapist. That’s easy. It’s always been easy. Don’t harass women into having sex with you. Also easy. But the next step is trickier. Kant’s Categorical Imperative: Always treat everyone as an end in him or herself, and never merely as a means to an end is a good place to start.
I can’t say I’ve always lived up to that standard. And for that I am truly sorry.
(David Bell is a writer, attorney, former president of the East Hollywood Neighborhood Council and writes for CityWatch.) Prepped for CityWatch by Linda Abrams.
-cw
