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GELFAND’S WORLD - The Danish offer to buy California has inspired a large amount of discussion, both pro and con. The online petition, which sports the slogan "Make California Great Aegain" is now approaching a quarter of a million signatures, a not-unimpressive showing. And if it works, does this mean that the Port of Los Angeles will now sport a mermaid sculpture? And what would San Francisco do to match?
From the California perspective, there are a couple of potential benefits to the deal that many of us will find persuasive. The first is the absorption into a culture and government that provides universal health care. Hospital administrators will probably object, but for the rest of us the positives are overwhelming. The other plus is the prospect of finding a shop selling butter cookies and strong European style coffee on every corner. I'm not sure whether the Danes actually make anything similar to what we call Danish Pastry, but if so, all the better.
Of course there is the additional benefit of being within the European Union, which means that we won't have to have all those arguments over tariffs, and we will remain within the NATO alliance. And let's not forget the olives. The ruinous Trump tariff on olive oil will disappear, a blessing for the arteries of all Californians.
There remains the question of whether the Danes realize what they are actually getting into. For example: the demands of altitude. Just to get to Bakersfield from Los Angeles, we have to traverse a pass at 1263 m (4144 ft), whereas the highest point in the whole of Denmark is 170 m. Even our own Los Angeles County has a peak over 10,000 feet (3069 m). There is a reason that we are not a bicycle culture.
And there is the issue of size just by itself. Denmark, at 43,000 square kilometers, is barely one-tenth the size of California. It could be dropped into a corner of the Mojave Desert and hardly be noticed. (The whole of Denmark is just barely more than three times the area of Death Valley National Park.) This is not being mentioned as either a virtue or a vice, but merely a reality which those from both Europe and New England don't quite get. This is another reason why we are less of a railroad culture.
There is one reason that Californians may be a little reticent about joining with Denmark. That reason is their warlike ways. Just looking at a Wikipedia page listing wars that the Danes have fought, I find 31 such conflicts, and those are just the wars prior to the year 1000. You can find it here. And after that first millennium celebration, there were many, many more. And what's with this propensity of Danes to fight with Sweden and invade England? One additional question that would be part of a formal union of Denmark and California: Will we still be allowed to present Shakespeare in all its magnificence, including that satire of all things Danish known as Hamlet? Perhaps we can count on Denmark to respect our freedom of theatrical performance, but will it be legal to recite, "Something's rotten in the state of Denmark" in a public place?
On that point, we need to be cognizant of the fact that Denmark is still a country that has a monarch. Of course that last point goes two ways for us Californians. Just think: All those people who buy the tabloid newspapers to get their fill of the British royal family -- you will now have a king of your own. (In case you didn't know, your new king is Frederik X.)
But what will happen if the lawful ruler of Denmark-Greenland-California decides to revert to the pre-1849 condition of kingly authority? Would he take sides in the playing of the Dodger-Giant games? Will there be a kingly preference in the playing of the Cal-Stanford match?
One other little problem. Those who go to Dodger games are used to standing for the Star-Spangled Banner. I'm not sure how the majority of baseball fans are going to respond to the command that they join in Der er et yndigt land .
For those who like to dabble in politics, a nonstop flight to our new capital of Copenhagen, at 11 hours, isn't all that much worse than trying to drive to Sacramento. And when you get there, you will find that there are trains capable of taking you south. (Imagine that -- working high speed rail!)
But there is one last problem for the new overlords, should they choose to take up residence in their new colony/state/whatever this is. They don't know heat. In explanation, I offer a yarn -- a true yarn, in fact. In the mid oughts (that means around 2006 if I recall correctly), I was traveling in Europe and chanced to be in Nuremberg, Germany. It is a town built around a hill and a very mixed history, but on this day, it also was kind of hot. In fact, it got up into the 90s, as we Americans say, and near 30 degrees in the centigrade scale that Europeans have. So I went out for a walk, did a little shopping, visited an ancient cathedral, and came back to my hotel. At the hotel desk, where I needed to stop to get my room key, the proprietor courteously asked me how my day was going, and I (not wanting to bring up the subject of the Nuremberg Rallies, but instead, politely commented on the weather) and I can still remember the hotel manager's comment. "Oh God, it's near 35 degrees," or something like that.
Now I am a person who has been in Death Valley when the temperature was 122 in the shade (approximately 50 degrees centigrade), and I can remember living through a football practice when it was 106 degrees. We have hot spells every year, and the weather forecasters tell us that it is going to get worse. It is going to require a special kind of Dane to settle in their New World colony and actually live here.
On the other hand, we natives of the New World will make a good living selling them refrigerators and freezers and iced lemonade with a cherry on the beachfront.
(Bob Gelfand writes on science, culture, and politics for CityWatch. He can be reached at [email protected])
