JUST SAYIN’-Many of us grew up under the philosophy, “Spare the rod--spoil the child.” Others simply believe in spare the rod and a miracle of good behavior will ensue.
We all know of the many young people who grew up, flourished, and became the good, decent people we had expected they would become. On the other hand, despite the various disciplines to which others were exposed, they evolved into the very kind of people we had hoped they would not be.
I remember my own mother striking me across the legs until welts appeared or sticking me into a tub of water so hot that my delicate skin turned red and blistered. My lesson from that kind of cruelty was to be a different kind of mother than my own had been and not become another abuser.
My husband, a child of the deep South, reminds me of how a misdeed at school was punished there with the teacher’s paddle, again on the way home by a neighbor who had somehow already heard about it, and finally by his mom.
She would demand that he go out to get a sturdy branch from a tree and bring it back for her to use on his behind, reminding him that if it were not a “good” switch, he would have to retrieve another one and get twice the licking. My husband became a great father but carried some of that thinking with him into parenthood (until he learned a better, more forgiving way).
Part of this discipline was handed down from the Antebellum plantation days when overseers had no problem exacting vengeful punishment on their slaves for even the slightest infraction (think of the recent movie, 12 Years a Slave).
Thus, even after Emancipation, this kind of discipline (though far less cruel) became a tradition, particularly among Black families. Teach your children that if they don’t comply immediately to the white man’s demands, horrifying consequences could accrue. It seems counterintuitive, but such strong discipline was meant to protect their children from uncertain, irrational behavior outside the community (think of the recent police shooting death of Michael Brown).
We see vestiges of this kind of discipline today with the Adrian Petersen (photo above) controversy (beating his own children with a stick so viciously that blood was drawn). He defends his actions by recounting how he was brought up with the rod and “turned out pretty well”. His reasoning follows this thinking: I don’t want my son to grow up to be a weakling or a hoodlum. On the other hand, would we even be talking about his actions if he had yielded such punishment on a daughter? What about restraint and self-control?
Echoed through generations, we hear, “I brought you into this world. I can take you out!” Charles Barkley (photo below) recently stated that “Every Black family in the South grew up that way.” There is the supporting philosophy that a parent should not use the hand that nurtures the child to punish him or her—hence a rationale to use a switch or wooden spoon.
Cris Carter, on the other hand, counters that he was also brought up under similar harsh circumstances, that his mother did the best she could with the tools she had from her own rearing. However, he added emphatically, “My mother was wrong!” He continued, we are living in the 21st century and must change our thinking if we are to shape our children to become healthy, productive adults. We need to educate and re-educate according to the dictums of our better angels and insist on no less from all parenting.
In fact, studies have demonstrated that the very “architecture of a child’s brain” is determined in part by the manner of early discipline received. The kind of arcane thinking described in this column is simply atavistic.
Are there any of us who haven’t wanted to throttle a child, like the little boy who called my small son a “nigger” [simply because he had heard others use that term, defended his mother (I wanted to throttle her as well)]. It is a good thing most of us utilize impulse control.
On the other hand, as a teacher and neighbor today, I see far too many children get no genuine discipline at all: Time out (in a room with a TV). Say you won’t repeat that infraction again (until the next time), and on and on.
As a teacher I dreaded the opening of each new school year as students piled into our classrooms with no clue how to behave. Many had learned that if they cried, they could get their way. Such tears are a manipulative tool that cannot be tolerated. Many parents have forgotten the old adage, “You better not cry or I’ll give you something to cry about” (I’m not advocating this).
Tears are for sadness and loss, not for an attempt to get one’s say.
Discipline issues are almost always blamed on the teacher (not the parents). Some parents plead for advice which they never follow (they are weak). “No” is simply not in the parental vocabulary (though it abounds among the children). The concept of “tough love” seems onerous and unreasonable—it’s too tough, wail parents.
Personally, I find that consistent, fair rules are what children crave (at least subconsciously). Knowing what is expected of them (and of us) is so critical. There was a time when children wanted to make their parents proud by creating a praiseworthy reputation for themselves.
The bottom line is either extreme is unacceptable (sadly, both at present exist side-by-side). We cannot allow children to be beaten—physically or emotionally. Nor for a minute either should we encourage a discipline that is too soft. Neither method produces the intended, desired, long-lasting effect. Take the TV away—they just might prefer a book. Take them off the soccer team—that seems to produce a real impact. Keep them off the streets at night—they just might not join a gang from which they often emulate destructive examples. Create guidelines (with follow-through) upon which both parent and child can agree.
Using the past as an excuse to perpetuate “unholy” treatment on our offspring and inculcate in them that such outrageous behavior is what is to be expected and accepted and passed on to the next generation should be no one’s answer to what is appropriate discipline. The past does not have to be predictive of our future. Perpetuating bad acts (because that is the way it has always been) is a specious argument that is not worth the time it takes to utter the words. Reasonable, corrective measures must supplant ugly, outdated traditions.
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We can learn from our parents what to do and what not to do (through good and bad examples). Children need good role-models (keeping in mind that athletes and other entertainers are not heroes--they are no more than legends within their respective fields).
So what do we do with people like Adrian Peterson? His actions are not in the same category as Ray Price’s frightful display of a “man behaving badly,” though it might seem to be at first blush. Children have been shaken to death, beaten, starved, burned, raped, treated in unspeakable ways. This cannot be accepted or tolerated on any level. Society must demand different behavior and accept no less. There must be meaningful consequences meted out for extremes.
But the key word here is “extreme.” What is unquestionably extreme to most of us might reflect traditional upbringing for others. Just as we are waking up to what real violence against women means, we must also enlighten all those others who continue to believe (and insist on believing) that corporal punishment is suitable. We must convince them that that thinking and those actions will no longer be tolerated or given a pass.
We have to draw the line before severe and lasting pain is inflicted on another child. We owe it to those who cannot defend themselves to stand up and protect them. At the same time, we must make sure the punishment for the abusers fits the crime. We must hold accountable all those responsible for inflicting injury on our young—hurt that is sometimes inadvertent; at other times, savage.
Just sayin’.
(Rosemary Jenkins is a Democratic activist and chair of the Northeast Valley Green Alliance. Jenkins has written Leticia in Her Wedding Dress and Other Poems, and Vignettes for Understanding Literary and Related Concepts. She also writes for CityWatch.)
-cw
CityWatch
Vol 12 Issue 76
Pub: Sep 19, 2014
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