NEIGHBORHOODS LA-Adult bullying seems to be very much in the news these days. From Governor Chris Christie to children driven to suicide by cyber bullying it has become an everyday happening. Since those involved in Neighborhood Councils are a microcosm of LA it happens to us as well.
Last year we were discussing the sexual harassment grievance North Hills West Neighborhood Council stakeholders (former office holders) had filed against the North Hills West Board. Last week, LA City Attorney Mike Feuer found out the grievance was NOT an anomaly.
Appearing at the Valley Alliance of Neighborhood Councils (VANC) Feuer was expecting the usual give and take, with a group he has been very popular with since his days on the City Council. After a very informative discussion about the numerous “pot’ shops cropping up all over LA, I asked him if we could change the subject and discuss “adult bullying.”
You could have heard a pin drop…and then the floodgates opened. The shift to an emotionally charged subject like bullying spread through the thirty-five NC’s represented in the room and practically everyone had a story or a comment. City Attorney Feuer looked visibly shocked.
The reason for discussing this now is that the Neighborhood Council Planning Commission, as well as Councilwoman Nury Martinez, is planning to present to the Council with a new ordinance. This would mandate that all Neighborhood Council Board Members be required to take training to avoid sexual harassment and workplace violence, as well as ethics and funding training.
I voiced the opinion that since we were volunteers sexual harassment was not as big an issue in the NC system but “adult bullying” and verbal abuse was becoming more common. No one has power over promotions or job security and a two-hour video on what constitutes sexual harassment is not going to solve the bigger issue. For those of you working in other non-profits and volunteering your time and expertise, this may also be an issue.
Some have said it is because of the coarsening of our civilization. We hear language on TV and in the movies that never would have been allowed ten years ago. I am neither a psychologist nor a sociologist but I would venture that 70% of the bullying that occurs is sexist and directed against females. I would also speculate that the majority of that emanates from middle-aged and older men who are still living in the age of the TV show Mad Men.
Before you accuse me of stereotyping look at the facts: Most younger men (under fifty) are used to having women in their University classes; they have platonic friendships with the opposite sex; they are accustomed to having their mothers and sisters taking part in activities outside the home. Their wives have careers.
Many of the men who are retired and volunteering their time to organizations like the Neighborhood Council were used to being in charge in their prior lives. Whether they owned their own business, or supervised other people in larger corporations, they had a certain amount of power over subordinates. All of a sudden that power is gone. Bullying is about all power over someone else.
Because I had the feeling that this was happening to me…and I didn’t want to over react- I did some research on “bullying.” The web site www.bullyingstatistics.com had some interesting information I thought worth sharing. See if you recognize anyone.
”One would think that as people mature and progress through life, that they would stop behaviors of their youth. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Sadly, adults can be bullies, just as children and teenagers can be bullies. While adults are more likely to use verbal bullying as opposed to physical bullying, the fact of the matter is that adult bullying exists. The goal of an adult bully is to gain power over another person, and make himself or herself the dominant adult. They try to humiliate victims, and ’show them who is boss.’”
According to the web site there are several different types of adult bullies based on how they operate:
Narcissistic Adult Bully: This type of adult bully is self-centered and does not share empathy with others. Additionally, there is little anxiety about consequences. He or she seems to feel good about him or herself, but in reality has a brittle narcissism that requires putting others down.
Impulsive Adult Bully: Adult bullies in this category are more spontaneous and plan their bullying out less. Even if consequences are likely, this adult bully has a hard time restraining his or her behavior. In some cases, this type of bullying may be unintentional, resulting in periods of stress, or when the bully is actually upset or concerned about something unconnected with the victim.
Physical Bully: While adult bullying rarely turns to physical confrontation, there are, nonetheless, bullies that use physicality. In some cases, the adult bully may not actually physically harm the victim, but may use the threat of harm, or physical domination through looming. Additionally, a physical bully may damage or steal a victim's property, rather than physically confronting the victim.
Verbal Adult Bully: Words can be quite damaging. Adult bullies who use this type of tactic may start rumors about the victim, or use sarcastic or demeaning language to dominate or humiliate another person. This subtle type of bullying also has the advantage - to the bully - of being difficult to document. However, the emotional and psychological impacts of verbal bullying can be felt quite keenly and can result in reduced job performance and even depression.
Secondary Adult Bully: This is someone who does not initiate the bullying, but joins in so that he or she does not actually become a victim down the road. Secondary bullies may feel bad about what they are doing, but are more concerned about protecting themselves.
The website goes on to say, “Adult bullies are often in a set pattern. They are not interested in working things out and they are not interested in compromise. Rather, adult bullies are more interested in power and domination. They want to feel as though they are important and preferred, and they accomplish this by bringing others down. There is very little you can do to change an adult bully, beyond working within the confines of laws and company regulations that are set up.”
As Neighborhood Council Board members, we cannot file a grievance against a fellow Board member. We have to file it against the entire Board. Elected officials are restricted from libel suits because of first amendment rights. This is the reason that some of the rhetoric spewed in the City Council meetings cannot be stopped. Of course elected officials are salaried, so while they are on the receiving end of some vitriol, they get paid. Even though NC Board members are elected, we don’t receive financial compensation, but are tied to the same rules. Unfair!
At the aformentioned meeting, we heard examples of both internal and external bullying occurring within various Neighborhood Councils. One of the most grievous examples of external bullying has happened to Sunland Tujunga Neighborhood Council activist and all around NC leader Cindy Cleghorn. If you read some of my fellow “glass half empty” colleagues in CityWatch you will recognize the name. One of those NC critics actually wrote glowingly last week about Cindy’s work. The other seems to have a personal vendetta for some reason.
I asked Cindy if I could share with you some of the consequences of this almost constant assault:
“Denyse, what I'm experiencing here is an outright attack on me. Yes, there are others but this attack is a target on me with an intent to hurt me. The attack has now escalated to place me on the front page of the local trashy newspaper we have in our community as you saw and contains a pack of lies. I'm a staunch supporter of the 1st Amendment but this goes beyond and something needs to be done.
“Futher, Joseph Mailander is digging for anything he can find to bring doubt, question, hate, mis-use of money, voter fraud or anything he can create. There's a group of them and I have a short list of names. I don't know why the focus is on me. I wonder if their agenda is monetary. The latest attacks are affecting my health, my business and my family. The repercussions will last my lifetime.
“I heard Mr. Feuer tell us that we need to toughen up and there's nothing he can do. That was my takeaway. That worries me for the future of NC's and their volunteers. I have to believe that someone will think of something that can be done. The room on Thursday was heavy with emotion.”
Other Land Use Committees are great targets for external abuse. This comes from either homeowners who do not want any development- to developers who want to take over.
Internal bullying or verbal abuse is insidious. It drives good people away from participating in the NC activities. It certainly cuts down on stakeholders attending Board meetings. If I weren’t on the Board I wouldn’t attend! Continual nit picking against certain Board members, delusions of grandeur on the part of some who want to be in control of everything, and insulting behavior can be the norm. Sending emails to the entire Board denigrating a person or a committee is not just “tacky” but tends to divide the Board into different camps.
Just last week a grievance was filed against a Neighborhood Council President and the paid staff person who had that NC under his/her jurisdiction. Apparently the altercation occurred at a Board meeting, where the two alleged guilty parties told a prospective Board member that “she didn’t belong there and to go somewhere else.” They did this in close physical proximity to the alleged injured party raising their collective voices.
In another case, one of the regional election officials told of being physically threatened at an election meeting the night before.
City Attorney Feuer asked what our suggestions were in order to stop this from happening. A two-hour training class is not going to do it. I asked EmpowerLA General Manager, Grayce Liu what plans or suggestions she had to stop this kind of behavior? I would hope that between she and the City Attorney’s office they can arrive at a program we can adapt for our individual “bullies” and their various types.
According to Grayce Liu “Re: the bullying complaints - Because of the various types of bullying complaints we are receiving, we are working with the Office of City Attorney and Personnel Department to see how we can support a safe and nurturing environment for Neighborhood Councils. There is not an easy solution to this issue, or we would have implemented it by now.”
Compared to some of the incidents readers have shared with me...my situation is a walk in the park. One of my fellow Board members commented that it took a great deal to intimidate me so it really couldn’t be called bullying. I disagree because this has been a pattern of behavior over the years.
I consider this to be one of the most detrimental aspects of the Neighborhood Council because it is emotionally draining, decreases enthusiasm and discourages volunteers. There is never any excuse for bad behavior. We all work too hard and put too much effort into helping make our City better for everyone. I think I have my own solution figured out- but if any of you have suggestions or solutions please share. We can’t let a few bad apples destroy what is and will be one of LA’s best programs.
Along with trying to solve some of the City’s problems, we had better pay attention to our own.
(Denyse Selesnick is a Board Member, 2014 Election Chair and Outreach Vice-Chair at the Tarzana Neighborhood Council. She is a contributor to CityWatch covering activities and policies in NC Land. The views expressed in this article are solely those of Ms. Selesnick.
She can be reached at [email protected])
-cw
CityWatch
Vol 12 Issue 4
Pub: Jan 14, 2014
