BEHIND THE CURTAIN
By Ken Alpern
(The scene takes place in the office of a respected councilman, Councilman Goode, who is elected without developer funds and who has a loyal and experienced team of urban planners and attorneys to assist him with his local outreach and planning, as well as his lawmaking and budgetary efforts at City Hall. He is being visited by Developer Deville, who is pitching Goode on his latest, greatest project that, despite several variances, will be loved by all)
Goode: So, Mr. Deville, what can I do for you today?
Deville: Well, did your staff send you my proposal for a mixed-use, transit-oriented, eco-friendly, affordable housing-oriented development in your district?
Goode: Um…well…yes, but there were certain features about this development that I found rather disturbing and out of character for the neighborhood where you intend to locate it.
Deville: Yeah, I know. The folks at the joint Planning/Building and Safety Department were somewhat intrigued with it as well, but I assured them that the mitigations me and my team have planned would be worth the variances we’re asking for.
Goode: OK…um…this ought to be interesting. Can you tell me what the Costco, the Nordstrom’s, the Hot-Hot-Hot Gentleman’s Club and the Sears Automotive Center that this development contains will do for traffic on that residential collector street you’re locating it next to? I mean, people use those kinds of stores every day, but don’t you think they belong next to an arterial surface street instead?
Deville: I suppose, but with a variance for a new zoning change to the state-authorized Commercial-Residential Until Everyone Leaves-1 (CRUEL-1), we allow for “one-stop shopping” with both diverse retail as well as adjacent residential development that is both job-friendly and neighborhood friendly. This is truly a great site for a zone that’s a CRUEL-1, if you ask me.
Goode: But…it’s next to a single-family-zoned neighborhood, and there’s a school not far away…
Deville: But did I remind you that it’s transit-oriented? And eco-friendly?
Goode: Wh-wh-WHAT? There are only four buses, two each during the morning and evening rush hours on that residential collector street! The nearest rail line is ten miles away! And how is the Automotive Center transit-friendly?
Deville: Because we’re gonna paint some bicycle lanes to avoid our dependence on our car culture, and to reduce greenhouse gases!
Goode: And who’s gonna USE those bicycle lanes, the patrons of the Gentleman’s Club, the Costco or the Nordstrom’s?
Deville: Well, the workers…maybe…hey, did I tell you about all the affordable housing we’re including on this site? I know you’re advocate of affordable housing!
Goode: Yes, I am, including the affordable housing units that ALREADY EXIST on the site you’re proposing to redevelop on!
Deville: Say, are you OK? Your skin is turning color a bit…is that…green? And…are your eyes beginning to…glow?
Goode: I feel fine, although I’m getting a bit hot under the collar. What other variances are you requesting?
Deville: Well, it’s that whole parking thing. We’ve got to get past this fossil fuel over reliance, and I think that having one parking space per two units is more realistic considering how high the price of gas is, and how it’s affordable housing so folks probably won’t even own an automob--
Goode (interrupting, and starting to shout): 90% of the housing in this proposed redevelopment project…IS…MARKET VALUE! The parking will overflow all over the surrounding neighborhood!
Deville: Ah, but you’re forgetting the mixed-use housing on top of the Hot-Hot-Hot Gentleman’s Club. Not only is that lower-income housing, it’s perfect for students, youngsters and other renters…
(Meanwhile, Goode’s Chief of Staff Tim, and Field Rep Johnny walk into the office, unaware that Deville is there and in the middle of their own conversation as they stumble in the middle of Deville’s pitch to Councilman Goode)
Tim: So you really, seriously, tried to convince her you had that Avatar power?
Johnny: Oh, yeah! That blind date was going south, anyway, so I suggested to her that I had my own version of an alien tail that plugs in to the neural net of other lifeforms…
Tim: Ah—that explains the black eye you’re sporting…
(Tim and Johnny stop as they see Councilman Goode start getting angry):
Goode: So HOW does the neighborhood council in which this project is located FEEL about this project?
Deville: Oh, of course they hate it. Yeah, we’ve got all those unmitigable intersections and 900 residential units in a twenty-story tower located in a 40-foot height-limited zone, but you know those damn NIMBY’s. They just don’t understand the need for affordable housing, mixed-use development, transit-oriented development and eco-friendly development like you do…
Goode: Like I do? LIKE I DO? LIKE I DO?
(Councilman Goode suddenly grows three times in size, is extraordinarily green and impossibly muscular, and virtually bursts out of his clothes except for the ragged remains of his business pants)
Deville: Wow, I can see you’re really growing to this project! I had the same favorable response when my development team brought this to my attention.
Goode: Hulk get crazy vibes when he hears about projects like this! Hulk mad!
Deville: I’m mad about this, too! You ought to see those mitigation and development fees I’m having to pay? I’m doing the neighborhood a service! Jobs, retail, affordable housing—they ought to be thanking me with federal redevelopment funds!
Goode: Hulk feels redevelopment funds better suited to blighted community! Hulk angry you are hammering square peg into round hole with your project! Hulk pissed off you are distorting noble goals of transit-oriented development and affordable housing to meet your own selfish commercial gain! Hulk believes this project out of character with the neighborhood! Hulk worried that you are setting bad precedent for region with this project! Hulk furious you are using idea of bad economy and joblessness and environmental concerns to justify financially and environmentally unsustainable growth!
Deville: Ah, the jobs! The jobs, jobs, jobs! I’m having “imported” (makes quote signs with his fingers) labor work and live on those units as they’re built. The construction can be done cost-effectively because we don’t have to pay a living wage. Without a living wage, and since the labor’s “imported” and living in a registered sober living home, we don’t have to register their residence with Building and Safety ‘cuz the hired help is one big state-authorized “family” that can fly below the City’s radar screen…
Goode: HULK SMASH!
(Goode throws Deville out the second-story window of the office with a loud crash)
Tim: Councilman! Councilman! Are you OK?
Goode (shrinking back to normal size and color, and coming back to his senses): What happened? What just happened?
Johnny (looking out the window): Well, boss, I think Deville tried to pitch you but you ended up pitching him. Wow…you ought to see the hang time on that guy’s airbound trajectory…
Goode: Omigosh! Is he OK?
Johnny: (still looking out the window): Oh, he’s fine. He landed on his wallet, and he pretty much bounced. He’s still a big fan, boss. He’s giving you a sign that you’re still number one, and—wait, no…wrong digit. I don’t think he likes you much anymore, boss …
(Planning Deputy Linda runs into the room, looking for the source of the commotion)
Jane: What’s going on in here? Did someone get hurt?
Johnny: Nah. The Councilman just showed our friend Deville what his new definition of “going green” is.
Linda: All right. Councilman Goode, I sent your analysis of that proposed state ordinance back to Sacramento, and I think they’re interested in revising it.
Goode: Excellent—thank you, Linda. I really needed you on this one, and you came through.
Johnny: All right…girlfriend’s got game!
Tim: Johnny, should I just save you the trip to H.R. and fire you now, or do you have anything substantial to offer after last night’s neighborhood council meeting?
Goode: Great point—I understand that the neighborhood council board and Planning have different ideas of how that development by the transit center should proceed?
Johnny: True that, boss. We got the developers and the county transit planners into the same room with the neighborhood council board. I had to remind the developers the difference between “variance” and “manifest destiny” before the meeting, so they upped the mitigations and both the county planners and the neighborhood council board was impressed. I arranged a followup meeting next week, but they wanted your input.
Goode (as Tim’s cellphone rings): Sure. Give me a list of the proposed mitigations, and Jane and I can go over them tomorrow.
Jane (whispering to Johnny): “Girlfriend”, indeed…in your dreams…and don’t pull that “Avatar” line on me, either. (Then, louder, to Councilman Goode): No problem, Councilman, tomorrow morning it is.
Tim (finishing a quick cellphone call): Well, I don’t think we have to worry about Deville, anymore?
Goode: Who was that?
Tim: City of Los Angeles Planning—it appears that Deville had a backup site planned all along, and he’s already got a Los Angeles City Councilmember who’ll give him the variances and the green light to build his project over there…
(Ken Alpern is a Boardmember of the Mar Vista Community Council (MVCC) and is both co-chair of the MVCC Transportation/Infrastructure Committee and past co-chair of the MVCC Planning Committee. He is co-chair of the CD11 Transportation Advisory Committee and also chairs the nonprofit Transit Coalition, and can be reached at
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The views expressed in this article are solely those of Mr. Alpern.) -cw
CityWatch
Vol 8 Issue 10
Pub: Feb 5, 2010
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