UNFRIENDLY SKIES--We now have an amazing new and fearsome word in our vernacular: reaccommodate. This is Orwellian bizarro-speak for "you get the short end of the stick", or "have your civil rights taken away", or "being violently abused". But hey, this is United Airlines, right?
We all know that United Airlines has a deserved reputation for being so abusive to their passengers that they've forgotten how NOT to treat them with contempt, but who knew that CEO Oscar Munoz, who originally doubled down and defended the way an elderly doctor was manhandled by blaming the doctor, could be so headline-making.
So in the spirit of the absurd--from United Airlines' absurd perspective on how they view their customers as chattel, to the absurd manner in which the CEO and the rest of United's leadership have responded, here are a few fitting fantasy tweets we'd love to see the CEO make.
Heck, nothing can surprise us anymore about Oscar Munoz and the manhandling misfits who have now shown the world how to be "united" against this airline--so here's some make-believe messages that we'd love to read from Mr. Munoz:
10) Fly the Friendly Skies ... if we allow you to stay on until take-off!
9) I just got a call from President Trump … United Airlines has now been hired to reaccommodate Kim Jong Un out of North Korea!
8) OK, OK, OK ... after 2-3 tries, NOW I'll apologize for what happened! Because at United, we really are sincere about what we say and do.
7) To my United Airlines teammates: we are now changing our name to Seal Team Six!
6) Don't you low-lifes "get it" that some travelers are "higher-priority" than others? Duh!
5) Is there a doctor on the plane? We have an injured passenger! Oh ... oops ... wait ... about that ...
4) Why is China so upset about this incident? The guy went to medical school in Vietnam.
3) It's not like this incident has racist overtones or anything like that.
2) We're United Airlines! We can't be beat! Our passengers can be beat ... but we sure can't!
1) So ... why the hell am I still employed as CEO of United Airlines?
(Kenneth S. Alpern, M.D. is a dermatologist who has served in clinics in Los Angeles, Orange, and Riverside Counties. He is also a Westside Village Zone Director and Board member of the Mar Vista Community Council (MVCC), previously co-chaired its Planning and Outreach Committees, and currently is Co-Chair of its MVCC Transportation/Infrastructure Committee. He was co-chair of the CD11 Transportation Advisory Committee and chaired the nonprofit Transit Coalition, and can be reached at email@example.com. He also co-chairs the grassroots Friends of the Green Line at www.fogl.us. The views expressed in this article are solely those of Dr. Alpern.)